How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
