maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize