I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
