two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
