when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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