sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize