my phone needs a breathalizer
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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