She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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