I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
