Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
