My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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