You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
