Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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