oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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