I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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