I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
