my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
