her vagine was all disorganized.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
