you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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