He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
