i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
