Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
