I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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