i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
