I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
