I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
