The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
