it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
