Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
As shirtless as possible
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
