11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
