Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I have demons in me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
