Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
