I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize