the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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