I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
