i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
