I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
