hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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