that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
