He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
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Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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