so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
