You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
