Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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