so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Congratulations! We have a period
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
