My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
