How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
