At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
