tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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