My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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