Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
