he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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