so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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