I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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