When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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