I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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