Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
